


on the loose [INDEFINITE HIATUS]

by mydragulesebastian



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Bucky Barnes Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, Language, Other, Pregnancy, Rehabilitation, Self-Harm, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-03-05 02:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13377765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydragulesebastian/pseuds/mydragulesebastian
Summary: Bucky Barnes was the hottest movie star in Hollywood; always having a successful movie role after another. But with fame and fortune come vices—his being girls, partying, alcohol, and drugs. “A quick stint in rehab will fix your reputation, James,” everyone told him. So he agreed to pack up his things and do the publicity stunt. What he didn’t expect was to meet you and have his entire world flipped upside down.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> please, please, PLEASE read this at your own risk

_**Why**  the fuck did I agree to this,_ Bucky thought to himself.

The paparazzi followed him all the way over to the rehabilitation center, thanks to his publicist, and bombarded him as soon as he got out of the all-black, fancy SUV. He thanked God when a way was made for him; a tall, muscular blonde with a deep English accent was telling the photographers to move out of the way and leave the premises. He even threatened to call the police.

Bucky thanked him when they were in the clear, finding out his name in the process. Thor—like the God of Thunder. He was the day security at the center so he’d be seeing a lot of him. Bucky was met with a tall, skinny red head and a brunette man with a goatee as soon as he walked in through the automatic sliding door. The red head smiled sweetly and the man sighed.

“You must be Bucky Barnes,” she stated. “I’m Pepper Potts and this is Tony Stark. We’re the owners of the Stark Rehabilitation Center.”

Bucky nodded and licked his lips. He was only in here for two weeks, nothing more. He couldn’t care less about who owned the place. Pepper droned on about rules and regulations before asking for his bag so they could check for any items that weren’t allowed. Once one of the employees finished throwing out some of his belongings, they handed him back his bag with a smile. God, he was already tired of it and he had barely stepped foot in the place.

“Follow us; We’ll show you around.”

The three of them went through another pair of doors, Bucky almost crashing into someone. He heard a voice yell after the person that was running and then watched two people rush by. Bucky took in a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. Or maybe he was trying to not get annoyed. He hadn’t a clue.

Bucky looked around while Pepper spoke and noticed some people watching television, others reading, some drawing and painting (maybe even writing), and others staring blankly ahead.

“You’ll meet with Dr. Banner every other day. I believe you have some group sessions you’ll be a part of as well,” Pepper turned on her heel to look at Bucky. “How long will you be here for?”

“Uh, two weeks.”

Bucky heard Tony snicker, catching him rolling his eyes and Pepper nudging his side. He narrowed his blue eyes at the man but Tony kept the smirk on his face.

Tony knew. Pepper knew. The entire staff at the rehabilitation center knew that was Bucky was only going to do two weeks all for publicity. They saw it all the time.

“And this will be your room,” Pepper gestured to the open door they were coming up to. “You will be rooming with Pietro Maximoff.”

Bucky hummed. He didn’t have much of a choice on who he was rooming with. They walked down the corridor and Bucky noticed that all the doors to every room were wide open; privacy didn’t seem to exist here. Pepper showed him the large bathroom and Bucky frowned.

It was a line of showers. Kind of like the ones in the high school locker rooms and they were separated by a flimsy white, almost clear shower curtain. There were no mirrors and he was surprised that there were actual walls and doors for the toilets. At least there was a bit of privacy when you had to take a shit, he thought.

The tour ended a couple of minutes later; of course, not before Bucky had to watch someone be sedated. He took in a deep breath as he watched the girl struggle until her body went limp and she was out like a light.

“If you need anything from Tony and I, we’re only a phone call away. Just let any of the staff know.” Pepper nodded.

Bucky sighed but nodded his head just to save face. What else could he do? He was stuck here for two weeks. The least he could do was agree with everything in place.

Pepper and Tony walked him back to the main room where everyone was currently at, doing activities or doing absolutely nothing just like minutes before. Bucky stood there, looking for a place to sit. What they were watching on TV didn’t catch his eye. Writing, drawing, or painting wasn’t his forte and he definitely didn’t want to sit and stare at nothing so picking up a book it was.

He shuffled over to the small wooden bookcase and picked a random one. He sat down on the couch and flipped it open, his eye scanning the introduction. But he couldn’t concentrate on the words in front of him for some reason. He had too many things on his mind.

He shut the book, his finger holding his place. He looked up and found a pair of eyes staring at him. They belonged to a woman; she seemed a bit younger than him maybe by a couple of years. He held her gaze until she cracked a smile, making Bucky furrow his brows in confusion. Was  _everyone_  off their rocks here?

She stood up from the couch and made her way towards Bucky.

_This is it. This is how I die._

“You’re Bucky Barnes.” She commented, an eyebrow perfectly raised.

“Yes?”

She plopped down next to him and and chuckled. “How long are you in here for? Actually, don’t answer that. Let me guess—a month?”

Bucky blinked and swallowed hard. How was she reading him already?

“Oh, you’re here for less than a month?” She dryly laughed. “Jeez, you guys get worse and worse each time. Your friend uh, Peggy Carter, you know her right? You two did a romantic comedy together not too long ago. Anyway, she was in here for a severe cocaine addiction. Well, that’s what they got the press to believe. She was in and out of here like a fucking cat. She never went to therapy or roomed with anyone.” She scoffed.

Bucky swallowed again, nodding slowly. He knew what she was talking about. That was the thing about Hollywood—everyone knew your business. People were snorting coke right in front of you during lunch time at a cafe. People were living in the world of drugs, fame, money, alcohol, and sex. And they were fucking basking in it. Bucky would know. That’s how he ended up in this place.

“What are you in here for?” He asked without giving the question a second thought.

“Depression— _severe_  depression. Self-harm. Suicidal. I mean, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“I don’t know if you’re being serious or not.” Bucky finally looked over at her and noticed that she was actually very pretty.

“I was being sarcastic. Man, how much do you drink and snort that you can’t tell what sarcasm is.”

Bucky looked down but her left arm caught his eye. She had scars all the way up to her elbow. Some were darker and quite thicker than others. They seemed to vary from long and short, horizontal and vertical. It’s like her arms were a canvas and she was starting to run out of space so she tried to fit in what she could in the empty parts.

“You know,” she mumbled. “It’s rude to stare.”

“S-Sorry! I just have never…”

She laughed. “Well, you’ll see a lot of that around here.” She stood up from the couch and pursed her lips slightly, as if she was almost debating with her own self. “I’m (Y/N), by the way. You’ll have fun around here, we’ll make sure of it.”


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, please, PLEASE read this at your own risk. this is a whole entire flashback scene where we meet moooore characters. some more important than others.

_“ **I’m** going and I don’t care what you say.” Bucky barked at his publicist, Steve Rogers._

_“Bucky,” he sighed while running a hand through his hair. “You can’t do this every night of your life.”_

_“Like hell I will,” Bucky replied as he scrolled through his phone absentmindedly._

_T’Challa, one of the biggest movie producers, was throwing a New Year’s Eve party and Bucky was obviously invited. Steve, on the other hand, didn’t like the fact that Bucky had agreed to go without running it by him. This wasn’t the image Steve wanted for his client. He already had a bad rap, yet it continued to worsen as each day passed. He didn’t know how that was even possible._

_Steve looked at Bucky warily. No matter how much he tried to stop him, he was going to find a way to get to the party anyway._

_“Will you at least be careful, Buck?”_

_“Can’t promise you anything,” he winked before walking out and slamming the door behind him._

* * *

_Once he arrived to the party, he spotted his long time friend and soon-to-be co-star, Sam Wilson. He was smoking a cigar while hanging onto a curvy brunette. Bucky smirked and waved, leaving him be and making his way towards the open bar._

_“Bucky!”_

_He turned his head to look for the voice and smiled. “Natasha!”_

_She walked up to him and pressed a loud kiss to the corner of his mouth. Bucky and Natasha had a thing. Although it was on and off, Bucky thought of her as his one and only and no one was allowed to even look her way._

_“I missed you,” she breathed out._

_“I missed you, too.” He replied as images of all the sinful things they did together before she went off on a recent press junket tour played in his mind._

_“Bucky!” Someone else called out._

_He turned his head slightly and found the one and only T’Challa waving at him with his charming smile on display for everyone to see. Bucky grabbed the glass of liquor and took a sip before untwining himself from Natasha and walking over to the man._

_“Hey, how are you?” He stuck his empty hand out to shake._

_“I’m great now that you’re here,” T’Challa grinned._

_Bucky was the biggest movie star in Hollywood. He had started acting at the age of 15, quickly taking over every teen magazine cover and decorating walls of said teens. With his charming smile, pretty blue eyes and a knack for acting, he rose to the top in a matter of months. Bucky was quickly cast as lead in a dystopian romance movie based off a young adult book and then began to move in other directions such as comedies, thrillers, dramas, time pieces, etc. He was so talented that everyone wanted him as a lead in their movie. That doesn’t go without mentioning all of the big awards he had accumulated throughout the time being._

_Bucky Barnes was a star and the world could not deny it._

_“I’ve uh, got a little something inside the house if you need it later today.” T’Challa rose his brows at him._

_Bucky smirked. “Maybe after a few drinks.”_

_But with fame came problems; Bucky had realized this a bit too late._

_When he found out the power he had over people he started to use it and not for the good. He had people buy him alcohol as soon as he became aware that he had them wrapped around his finger. Then, as he started getting older the alcohol wouldn’t do the same for him anymore. That’s when he found his newest vice._

_It was offered to him by an actress—Peggy Carter to be exact. They were both starring in a big romantic comedy where they were both leads._

_Peggy had thrown a party and invited Bucky. He had known how crazy they got due to whispers around set. He didn’t go, mostly because Steve would always warn him not to. But Steve had pissed Bucky off that day and decided to spite him._

_He would never be able to explain the feeling the white powder gave him. It was a thrill when it hit. It burned at first but that was feeling was long gone as soon as he started to feel the effects of the hard drug._

_He felt good; he felt like he was on top of the world when he had it in his system. Dammit, he was the best around town and no one could put a finger on him even if they tried. He was a different person when he was on the drug. He liked that version a lot better than he liked his sober self hat was for sure._

_Bucky went around and said hello to others after talking to T’Challa for a bit and after a few more drinks, he headed inside the mansion where there were a couple of people already inside, mostly consisting of T’Challa’s circle._

_He made his way to one of the multiple dens in the large house and found a group of girls, a bit younger than him, already having a go at it. Bucky cleared his throat and one of them looked over at him, her eyes widening slightly._

_“You don’t mind sharing, right?”_

_They parted like the Red Sea and Bucky made his way over to the table loaded with the white powder. His mouth watered at the sight. He took a seat in on of the chairs and pulled out his wallet, slipping out a credit card and a hundred dollar bill. He gathered a pile and split it into three, straight lines. He then rolled up the bill and stuck it in his nose, positioning the end of it on top of the first line. He pressed the other nostril with his index finger before snorting it all, and then continuing to do the same for the next two lines._

_He wasn’t sure how long he was in the room for or how many lines he did or if he had fucked all three girls there but when he walked out he felt like a brand new person. Bucky was much more animated and witty; he could keep up with multiple conversations. He was bouncing off the walls from the energy it gave him, even if it only lasted a couple of minutes. The euphoria that encased him in the time being was one he struggled to find on his own. And sometimes, late at night when everyone was asleep or too strung to even notice him, he wondered why he let himself get this far._


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, please, PLEASE read this at your own risk.

_**The**_  next morning, Bucky woke up due to a loud commotion in the small bedroom. He shot up from the twin sized bed and gasped. 

His roommate, the same guy who had almost crashed into him at the front door, looked back at him and smiled. “Hey. Did I wake you?”

Bucky clenched his jaw, blinked once and breathed out of his nose harshly before falling back onto the bed and pulling the covers all the way up over his head. He closed his eyes again hoping to get at least 5 more minutes of sleep.

But instead, there was a loud knock on the open door ( _which he didn’t understand why they even had if they weren’t allowed to close it_ ). He heard Pietro say good morning very cheerfully. Bucky peaked out from underneath the covers and frowned. It was only a nurse.

“What time is it?” Bucky croaked.

“7AM,” Pietro and the nurse both replied in unison.

“Oh my, God.”

“You need to get up. We’re all having breakfast. No one skips out.”

Bucky muttered a string of profanities before throwing the covers off of him and sitting up in bed. “Can I at least take a shower?”

“After breakfast, sure.”

“And that’s why you wake up at 6, dude.” Pietro commented before walking out and making his way towards the dining room hall.

Bucky shut his eyes and tried to calm himself. He grabbed onto the edge of the mattress tightly, knuckles going white. He took in two deep breaths before opening his eyes and letting go of the mattress, quickly sending the nurse and stiff smile.

“I can at least change into my clothes, right?” He asked smartly.

“You sure can,” she said. “I’ll be waiting outside the door for you.”

Bucky stopped himself from rolling his eyes.  _Just two weeks, that’s it. This will all be over soon._

As soon as the nurse walked out, he got up and went to the small dresser that held both his and Pietro’s clothing before picking out another pair of sweats and a plain black t-shirt. He slipped on his shoes and met up with the nurse outside the room.

They walked together towards the dining room hall and made small talk. Bucky thought she was nice but nothing special. She was just doing her job. She was paid to care for them.

“Enjoy your breakfast,” she smiled as she pat his back.

Bucky mumbled a small thanks and looked around the room. It wasn’t as big as he thought, but it did fit the entire group of people currently residing at the center. He spotted his roommate already eating and then spotted the same girl that came up to him the day before. 

He shrugged to himself and went to make the short line that was for a plate of food. Once in his hands, he made his way over to her and debated on actually sitting down next to her. But once she looked over at him and shot him a grin, he felt a bit more at ease and took a seat in the chair next to her.

“Hi.”

“You’re still here!” She said sarcastically.

“I am,” his replied dryly, his eyes widening for a millisecond.

“Haven’t made any friends yet? What about Pietro?”

“He’s already a pain in my ass.”

“Don’t be so mean,” she frowned. “He’s a cool dude. His sister is even cooler.” She raised an eyebrow and slowly turned her head to look at someone. 

Bucky followed her eye line and tilted his head slightly, furrowing his brow. He watched as the girl moved her hands and fingers in the air, her lips barely moving. 

“Her name is Wanda. Her and Pietro’s parents stuck them in here because… they’re shit parents is all.”

“What is she doing?” Bucky whispered.

“I don’t know. She doesn’t talk much. Sometimes they have to sedate her. It gets kind of scary.” She shrugged. 

Bucky hummed and tore his eyes away from Wanda. He began to eat his food quietly. He thought about his own parents. His dad walked out of his life when he was about 3 years old and his mom passed away when Bucky was 20 to cancer. He was left with no one due to being an only child. He was alone and quite honestly, terrified. 

“You excited for your first group therapy session today?” The girl spoke again, her eyes playful almost as if she was teasing him.

“No,” Bucky replied. “I’m actually dreading it.”

“We all dread it, Mister Hollywood. It sucks. I’ve been doing this for months on end and it somehow gets easier but also a bit harder. Everyone knows your secrets.”

Bucky widened his eyes and swallowed. He had a shit ton of secrets. He didn’t know if he wanted the patients to know them let alone want to bring them out from underneath the carpet he had swept them under. That’s where they belonged-not out in the open.

“You okay?” She waved her fork in his face.

Bucky blinked, “Y-yeah.”

* * *

After breakfast, Bucky and [Y/N] parted ways. She was off to her one on one with Dr. Banner while Bucky went his way to take a shower and then get ready for the group therapy session. 

In the collective bathroom, he found himself shyer than usual. He took one of the quickest showers he’d ever taken in his life before jumping out, drying off and changing into his clothes. 

On his way back to his room he bumped into Wanda who was still mumbling to herself, her hands and fingers twitching at her side. Bucky smiled at her politely but she continued to walk straight on and ignored him.

“Bucky!” 

The same nurse that was in his room that morning waved from down the hall. Bucky pressed his lips into a tight line and waved. He walked up to her and asked what was going on.

“You’re late to your group session.”

“What? It’s at 9AM.”

“It’s 9:15.” 

“What the f-OK, uh where do I go?”

“Follow me,” she waved.

He followed her down another hall he didn’t even know existed and turned a couple of corners before entering a small room with a circle of about 10 chairs. He assumed the older man was the therapist. 

“Thanks ,uh…”

“Maria. Maria Hill.”

“Thanks, Maria.”

Bucky walked into the room with his head down, quickly taking a seat in an empty chair. The conversation slowly came to a halt and Bucky looked up to find everyone looking at him. No one looked familiar. 

“Mr. Barnes, nice to see you finally decided to show up.”

Bucky laughed dryly as he nodded once. “Hey.”

“Why don’t you introduce yourself to us?”

Bucky’s grin fell and his eyes averted from the older man’s. “Do I really need to? Don’t you all know who I am?”

The therapist furrowed his brows together and pressed his lips together. He shook his head and clasped his hands in his lap as he sat back in the plastic chair. “I’m afraid we don’t know who you are, Mr. Barnes. Now if you could tell us a bit about yourself, please.”

Bucky stared at him blankly not knowing what to even say. He didn’t even know himself well enough to tell others about. He cleared his throat and licked his lips. He took in a deep breath and let it out, everyone’s eyes still burning holes into his head.

“I’m Bucky Barnes and uh, I’m a Hollywood actor. I… I…” He looked down at the floor and bit down on his bottom lip. 

He stayed quiet for about three seconds before looking up and making eye contact with everyone in the room. The anxiety was building in him. He needed something to ease him up. He could feel his heart quickly beating in his chest and his palms sweating profusely. His mind was racing a hundred miles per hour yet he couldn’t come up with anything to say.

“I… I don’t know what else to say.” He spoke softly. 

The therapist hummed, grabbing his notepad and scribbling quickly making note of what had just happened. Bucky twirled his thumbs, a habit he used to do when he was younger. 

“Welcome to our group, Bucky. We’re glad to have you here with us.”

Bucky let out a breath he had no idea he was even holding, and relaxed into the seat. For the first time, he actually wanted to get better for himself not because others were telling him to do it. He had a lot to work on and he wasn’t sure if two weeks would be enough to fix it all.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will have an important purpose later on. it’s a cluster fuck ride from here on out lol & this whole chapter is a flashback!
> 
> please, please, please read this at your own risk.

“ ** _B_** _aby.”_

_He snorted the small pile off the back of his hand and then rubbed his nose furiously with index and middle finger. Bucky looked up at the red head in his bed, a devious smile playing on her lips._

_“How do you make snorting look so fucking hot?” Natasha’s voice was low and raspy._

_Bucky shrugged, turning to his side to grab a cigarette off the bedside table and lightning it after putting it between his lips. He breathed in a long breath of the nicotine as he rested his back against headboard again before blowing it out slowly._

_Natasha snuggled up against Bucky’s bare body, her hand resting on his chest and her head on his shoulder. Bucky stilled underneath her. He loved Natasha a lot, but he was also very distant with her. And she would always throw it back in his face when he would try and stop her from dating other guys. Maybe it was from the lack of love and affection he had gotten from people he loved that made his heart turn to stone._

_He finished smoking the cigarette and threw the bud on the glass ashtray that sat atop of the wooden table. He gently removed Natasha’s sleeping body off of his and covered her up. Then, Bucky got out of bed, quickly bending over to grab his pair of boxers from the floor and slipping them on. The stimulant was making his whole entire body race faster than usual. There was no way he was falling asleep any time soon._

_He walked out of the bedroom, his feet padding against the wood floors of his lavish home that overlooked the city of Los Angeles. He flipped on the kitchen lights and opened the refrigerator, finding nothing inside of it. It wasn’t like he expected to find anything, though; he was never home to have a fridge full of food. Maybe it was habit._

_Bucky walked around aimlessly while his mind raced. Bad and good thoughts filled his brain and he could feel his heart soar as he started to think about things. Bucky started opening cabinets and then some before finding what he needed._

_Alcohol._

_Now he knew never to mix both, but tonight was one of the nights that he didn’t care what were to happen to him. Some might say it was selfish but Bucky didn’t see it that way._

_He poured the dark whiskey into a short, glass cup and downed it the second he stopped pouring. He drank a couple of more shots but then he felt his heart racing in his chest again, but it hurt him inside. Bucky started to feel confused and hear things in the empty house. His body felt hot and he was starting to have trouble breathing properly._

_That’s when he realized he was over dosing. Everyone had warned him that if he took it too far this would happen to him. He was going to die._

_Bucky let out a strangled cry before dropping the glass cup onto the floor, hearing it shatter everywhere and then hitting the floor himself soon after._

* * *

_Bucky took in a deep breath, his whole body aching in pain when he did so. He felt something on his face and arms and heard beeping around him._

_Am I dead?_

_He slowly opened his eyes, the sunlight hitting him and causing his head to hurt even more. His hand twitched at his side, making him look down and stare at the cuts he assumed were from the shards of glass he probably fell on. Bucky slowly turned his head to the side and found Natasha sleeping uncomfortably in a chair. He grinned slightly._

_“Nat,” he croaked out._

_He repeated her name a couple of times before his voice finally came back to him and was finally loud enough for her to hear him._

_She stirred in the chair and groaned while opening her eyes. Her red hair was up in a messy bun and dark circles decorated her eyes. Bucky wondered if he’d ever find someone as beautiful as her._

_“Bucky…”_

_He wasn’t sure how she felt. Her face didn’t give much away. It was always a guessing game with Natasha. She was great at stowing emotions. He wondered how she was even an actress._

_“Babe.”_

_“No, do not “babe” me, James! What the hell is wrong with you? You could’ve died!”_

_Oh, okay. She’s angry._

_“I’m fine.”_

_“But you weren’t!” Her eyes filled with tears. “You weren’t fine when I got out of bed and found you laying on fucking glass with foam at your mouth and your eyes rolled into the back of your head. I didn’t know what to do!”_

_Bucky rolled his eyes._

_“I called Steve who then called 911 and I… I thought you were going to die on me, Bucky. What the hell were you thinking? You can’t leave me when I’m pregnant with your baby!”_

_Bucky’s eyes went wide and almost fell out of their sockets. His heart monitor started beeping rapidly, Natasha slumping into the chair. He watched as one of her hands came down to her stomach and slowly rubbed it._

_“Oh my, God… no. You’re fucking lying to me.” He seethed._

_“I am not lying to you. I’m pregnant and it’s yours. You need to get your shit together.”_

_Bucky fumed in the bed. What was Natasha even talking about? He couldn’t be a dad. No; he refused to become a dad. All his fears were coming true. Who was he to raise a child when he couldn’t even take care of himself?_

_“Get out.”_

_“Bucky, I didn’t want to tell you like this but maybe you’ll change now.”_

_“No,” he barked. “Get. out. I don’t want to be a dad. Do you hear me?”_

_“You should’ve thought about that before you fucked me—“_

_“Get out!” He screamed, the heart monitor beeping loud and fast again._

_She looked at him with sad eyes but then he watched them ice over.  Natasha grabbed her stuff and zipped up her grey hoodie. She gave him one last look before shaking her head at him and walking out._

_Bucky began to shake, his fingers began to twitch almost as if he was already starting to have withdrawals. Or maybe he was starting to get anxious which in turn led him to getting high off his mind. Whatever it was, all he knew that Natasha was pregnant with his baby and he didn’t want anything to do with it._


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of the light chapters. still touches on some things but over all not as heavy as the other 4.

**_L_** unch time had already come around and Bucky found himself in the same seat as earlier, except that this time he was alone. He watched as others poured into the small hall while his food went cold. It wasn’t until he heard a loud but warm laugh echo throughout the place.

There she was in all her simple glory. Bucky soon realized that there was someone else more beautiful than Natasha in that very moment. His eyes followed [Y/N] as she made line to get food and then looked around the place before her eyes landed on Bucky. Her head tilted a bit and small grin grew on her face slowly.

[Y/N] made her way over to Bucky with a small pep in her step. She was feeling good today and she was trying to bask in it before it became a distant memory in her darkened mind.

“You do not look okay.” She chuckled, pulling out the plastic chair and setting her tray down on the table before sitting down next to Bucky. “How’d it go?”

Bucky shrugged. “It was okay. I think I had an anxiety attack.”

“Oh, those are always so much fun!”

“I can’t only do two weeks.” He blurted out, his eyes confused yet sad.

[Y/N] stared at him, taking her bottom lip in between her teeth as she thought of something to say. Bucky mimicked her expression. For some odd reason, he felt comfortable with her. It’d only been 24 hours since they had met, but he felt a connection with her that he had never felt with anyone else.

She smacked her lips loudly. “So… what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know.” He replied. “I mean, I can ask my publicist and my manager what they think about it.”

“Did you just say you were going to ask? Who cares what they have to say, Bucky. This is your life. Why should they have any say in it? If you feel the need to stay more than 2 weeks then just call them up and be like ‘ _Uh, yeah. See ya suckers in a month_ ’ and hang up the phone. Their opinion is not important anymore-not when you’re in here.”

Bucky scrunched up his face and she took notice. She let out a dry laugh while shaking her head. “Are you afraid of them?”

He looked down at his empty tray and pursed his lips. She frowned and felt bad for him. Maybe there was more to him than she assumed.

“Hey,” she started. “If it makes you feel any better, we’re having a movie night. We have them every Friday. Maybe that’ll take your mind off of it.”

Bucky gave her a look and she sputtered a laugh. “What? You don’t like watching movies? Don’t worry. We aren’t watching any with you in it.”

“How would you know?”

“I’m in charge of choosing them, actually. I have been for a couple of months,” she stated. “Well, I mean after I chose them Maria approves so I guess it’s more like teamwork.”

Bucky stayed quiet.

“And we usually watch animated movies. It’s a bit… easier.”

He nodded and she nudged his arm with her elbow. “Everything’s gonna be okay, Bucky.”

* * *

Bucky went to his one on one with Dr. Banner which didn’t do much for him. He had no idea what to say—let alone how to say it. It was mostly quiet in the room with Dr. Banner taking in Bucky’s body language.

Bucky’s eyes constantly darted back and forth throughout the 45 minute session and he played with his thumbs, sometimes even picking at invisible lint on his jeans. With a heavy sigh, Dr. Banner dismissed Bucky and silently hoped that he wasn’t like all the stars that came in and out of the rehabilitation center. 

He wanted to see Bucky get better. But in the end it would all come down to Bucky and if he really wanted to change for himself.

After his session, Bucky walked straight to his room with his head down. He was having a really bad headache and just wanted to go to sleep. Once in the small bedroom, he picked out a hoodie from one of his three drawers and put it on. He jumped into bed and turned on his side to face the wall. 

He heard rummaging in the room and assumed it was Pietro. He didn’t even try to turn around. His body felt weird for some reason. He just wanted to sleep until the next morning.

“Movie night!” A voice echoed down the hall.

Bucky sighed on his small bed and threw his legs over it. He pushed himself up and threw the hood over his head as he slowly peered out of his room. His newest friends made their way down the long, brightly lit hall down to the common area where he assumed the movie would be taken place. 

He debated on going out there with everyone but then he remembered that [Y/N] would be there. She were in charge of picking the movie after all. So he braced himself and walked out of the room, even though he really didn’t want to and made his way to the area.

What he didn’t expect to see was the set up. Most of the people were in their pajamas and they had snacks for anyone who wanted to eat something while watching the movie. Bucky looked around and found her trying to set up the projector with Maria to play it on the wall. He walked over and stuck his hands in his pockets, clearing his throat loudly.

[Y/N] looked up from the wires in your hands and smiled. “Hey, you came.”

“I thought I’d show my support.”

“You’re funny,” she replied dryly. “Now, can you help me untangle these? Whoever put this away last time didn’t do it right.”

Bucky held out his hands and [Y/N] passed them over to him. He remembered that he enjoyed solving things when he was younger; maybe he’d pick that up again soon. A minute later he finished untangling the last cord and handed it over to her with a proud smile on his face.

“Thanks, Hollywood. I knew you were good at something else other than acting.”

Bucky chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Do you need help with anything else?”

“No, I think we’re good. Just gotta get the movie to play and we’re ready to go.”

Bucky looked back over his shoulder and pursed his lips. All the single seats were taken and some were laying on the floor, wrapped in their blankets. The couch was the only thing left and it was already occupied by two people. Bucky looked back at [Y/N] and grabbed her wrist before pulling her over to the couch and pulling her down with him as he flopped onto it.

“Hey, what are you doing?” She yanked her hand away from him.

“We were going to lose the best seat in the house,” he grinned.

She squinted her eyes at him as her lips pursed. “You’re crazy.”

“Could be why I’m in here.” Bucky shrugged. 

“And horrible!” [Y/N] slapped his chest lightly. “We’re not crazy.”

“I was kidding.”

“Hey,” the person next to Bucky looked over. “Will you please be quiet now? The movie is starting!”

[Y/N] and Bucky both widened their eyes and slowly turned their heads to look at one another before cracking up loudly. Everyone turned to look at both of them while they covered their mouths to stop the laughter from pouring out.

After quieting down, Bucky sighed happily. [Y/N] was busy watching the movie playing out in front of her but Bucky was too busy staring at her to even pay attention to the animated movie. 

She was gorgeous in every single way that he didn’t even know was possible. The way her eyes would crinkle when she smiled, the sarcastic replies, the loud, infectious laugh, the need to be there for others and so many other things he had yet to find out about her.

[Y/N] would leave an imprint on Bucky’s life whether or not he wanted her to but he was more than happy to have her be a part of his recovery.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s a flashback in the beginning and then we’re back in present time. there’s like 3 new characters (not mine) introduced.

**_T_ ** _he director sighed heavily while running a hand through his hair. Well, whatever was left of it from all the stress he was currently going through due to one very complacent star._

_Bucky was currently driving him insane. If he wasn’t late, he showed up high. If he wasn’t high, he was hungover. If he wasn’t hungover, he was throwing a tantrum. This was not the A list star they had promised him when he decided to cast Bucky as the lead role._

_“Work with me, James. Please. What do you need me to do for you?”_

_Bucky scoffed. “Sure—Why don’t we start with you staying out of my fucking business.” He slammed his fist onto the table in front of him._

_“Bucky, you’re stalling production! Every time you show up… or don’t show up, it’s a loss for all of us. I don’t want to threaten you with this but it seems like I have no choice…”_

_Bucky glowered from his seat. He already knew what was going to come out of Clint Barton’s mouth. Fuck, he knew Clint’s reasoning was a good one but like hell he wouldn’t make a scene._

_“If you don’t get your act together I’m going to have to let you go. There are other actors out there willing to do anything for this role. And if you don’t want it then why should you have it?”_

_Bucky’s face didn’t change as Clint finished his statement. Then, a second later a smile cracked and a dry laugh escaped his lips. “Fucking fire me then. Right now. I don’t care. I’ve got bigger and better things to do than this piece of shit movie.”_

_There was the reaction Clint expected. He sighed heavily once more but this time with a nod. “Fine. You’re done here, Bucky.”_

_He pushed himself away from the table and kicked the chair hard enough to where it landed against the wall with a loud thud. He slipped on his sunglasses and walked out of the office with his head held high. He didn’t need Clint Barton. He didn’t need anyone. He had himself and that was enough (at times)._

_Bucky walks out of the building into the warm Los Angeles sun and breathed out angrily. His phone began to vibrate in his back pocket of his tight jeans and he groaned. It was probably Steve getting ready to bitch at him._

_“What?” He answered, his tone hostile._

_“Bucky,” Steve sighed. He was pinching the bridge of his nose on the other end of the line._

_“Good, God are you going to scold me too? Threaten to leave me? ‘Cus guess what, Steve? I don’t fucking care!”_

_“Bucky, are you even listening to yourself right now?”_

_He rolled his eyes as he walked towards his shiny, all black Jaguar. He slipped his keys out of his jacket pocket and clicked one of the buttons to unlock it. Bucky jumped into his car and brought the engine to life, Steve still on the line with him._

_“We need to meet up and talk about this. **Today**.” Steve was stern. He had to be. If he let himself slip like he had many times before he knew Bucky would get himself into some sort of trouble._

_“I don’t have time today.”_

_“You sure? I know your schedule like the back of my hand and you’re open until Friday now due to the fact that you just got fired.”_

_“I said,” Bucky retorted through gritted teeth. “I don’t have time today.”_

_He hung up and threw the phone onto the passenger seat before putting the car in reverse and peeling out of the parking lot, driving as far as he could hoping that it would lead him to a better place._

* * *

Bucky woke up the next morning to the same thing as the day before. Except that this time he was up before Pietro. He looked over at the small alarm clock that sat on the bedside table between his and Pietro’s beds and groggily read the time to himself.

It was 30 minutes before 7. He had time to go and take a shower and get ready unlike the day before. He walked down the hall while drying his soaking wet hair with the white towel they were provided with, a sense of irritability flowing throughout his body. He didn’t know why he felt annoyed already but he believed it was from being hungry. It wasn’t like you could go and get seconds if you finished your plate anyway.

Bucky went back into his room, throwing the towel in the small hamper him and Pietro were provided with and then made his bed—something he hadn’t done himself in years. After his bed was made, he fell on it and looked up at the ceiling. 

A couple of days ago he wouldn’t have been up this early. And if he were to get up at this time of day, he’d complain about it to everyone and anyone before hiding away to do some lines or maybe have a drink or two. It was Hollywood. Nobody judged. Or at least no one judged Bucky face to face.

Pietro stirred in the bed next to him and Bucky turned his head to look at him. He was slowly starting to wake up and when he opened his eyes he cracked a smile at the sight of Bucky who was ready to go for the day,

“I see you took my advice,” Pietro croaked before throwing his legs over the bed. He stretched and Bucky looked back up at the ceiling, not replying to the younger guy. He wasn’t in the mood to converse with anyone yet. 

Pietro left soon after and Bucky thought to himself again. He wondered how Sam was doing. Last time Bucky saw him, Same was torn over Bucky getting help and leaving him mid-production on their buddy-cop movie. How about Steve? Did he find another person to work for already? Bucky knew that it had only been 2 days but things works and happen fast in the business. 

Bucky wondered about Natasha, too. It had been 4 months since she had told him she was pregnant. After he had gotten out of the hospital and wasn’t pissed off at the world, he and Natasha sat down and talked about it. She told him that she was 3 months along, Bucky suddenly realizing why she hadn’t been drinking, using, or smoking anymore. 

He hoped to be out of there before the baby came along.  _His_ baby. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was doing this for the unborn child. No matter how hard he tried to escape it, there was no way he was going to abandon Natasha or the baby. He didn’t want to be like his own father.

There was a sudden knock on the open door that snapped Bucky out of his thoughts. He looked over at the entrance and sent a small grin. [Y/N] stood underneath the door frame with a tired smile on her face.

“Good morning, Hollywood,” she sang. “Come on. Let’s go make line. They’re making waffles today!”

She disappeared a second after and Bucky groaned as he turned over onto his side and pushing himself up. He hopped off the bed and made his way down the hall to the cafeteria where [Y/N] already stood with 3 other people Bucky had never met before. He walked up to them shyly and [Y/N] smiled at him.

“Bucky, this is Matt, Scott and Jessica!”

The three of them said “hello” in unison. Bucky looked over at [Y/N] who nodded at him, silently telling him that she’d tell him more about them later. They made small talk amongst each other; Bucky listening in more than talking. His headache was growing and so was his irritability. 

The line soon opened up and Bucky got his food and grumbled something to [Y/N] before leaving her with the the other three and finding a spot to sit at. He placed his head in his shaky hands as he let out a breath. The last time he felt like this was when he was got clean for 3 months. 

“Are you okay?” [Y/N] asked.

“I don’t fucking know.”

“You’re having withdrawals,” she chuckled.

Bucky glared at her. “How is this even fucking funny?”

“It’s not.” She shrugged. “What was your drug of choice? Coke, right? You guys just get all pissy. You should’ve seen Scott coming off heroin. That was a sight.”

Bucky let out a long groan. He should’ve known it was that from the second he woke up. He jumped slightly when a warm, soft hand was placed on top of his shaky one. He looked over at [Y/N] who gave him a gentle smile.

“It’s going to be okay. You know that, right?”

Bucky took in a deep breath through his nose just like he had learned years ago from his mother who always tried to calm him down in situations that would cause him to go into panic. She would tell him to let it go once he felt like he couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was like a game for Bucky—trying to see how long he could hold his breath—and before he knew it, whatever was causing him to stress, would soon disappear into the void.

[Y/N] stared at Bucky until he let out the long breath. He licked his lips and swallowed hard. He didn’t realize that she brought him peace until he looked into her eyes and found himself feeling like he was floating on a fluffy, white cloud. 

“It’s going to be okay.” He mumbled. His hand turned upward underneath hers to intertwine his fingers with yours. She didn’t pull away or tense up at the action which made him feel even more comfortable.

“I’m going to be right here.  ** _Always_**.” 


	7. seven

**_B_** ucky and [Y/N] were soon separated for their daily activities as she liked to call it. He was still in a shitty mood, mostly due to the fact that he was sobering up.

He had gone clean before once before and he threw it all away for the feeling he was having now. Except that this time, there was no way of ruining his progress. He was going to get better that much he knew.

The first week at the rehabilitation center seemed to go by quicker than Bucky realized. It was a routine; everyday was the same. As much as Bucky disliked it, he was actually kind of happy that he had a bit of normalcy to his life now.

He soon learned that weekends were open for visits as well as “free days.” They explained to him that there wasn’t a group or one-on-one session unless it was really needed. They were allowed to do whatever they wanted ( _within limit of course_ ). So, Bucky decided that he’d lay in bed all day. He really didn’t want to go and hangout with everyone anyway.

“Bucky?”

He removed his arm from his eyes and looked at Maria who smiled at the doorway. “You have a visitor.”

“What?”

Bucky furrowed his brows and thought hard.  _Who would want to come visit me?_  He sighed while throwing his legs over the bed, walking over to Maria and then making his way down the hall with her. He passed by the common area and spotted [Y/N] on the floor working on a large puzzle all by herself.

“Where are you going?” She looked up at him as he walked by.

“I’ve got a visitor,” Bucky replied, a surprised look on his face.

[Y/N] raised her brows at him  and Bucky shrugged. Maria led him in through a door he had never seen before and as soon as he entered the room, that’s when he saw her—bright red hair and a protruding stomach was something he couldn’t miss, even if he tried his hardest to ignore it.

She smiled up at him, her whole entire face lighting up at the sight of Bucky. He had only been sober for a couple of days but she could see the difference already. He looked brighter; he was shining.

“Oh my God,” he breathed, “Nat!”

She made a start on getting out of the chair but Bucky was by her side in a second, pushing her back down gently. Natasha had never seen Bucky act so selfless before. It kind of threw her off.

“Bucky, I can stand up. I’ll be fine.”

He scratched the back of his neck, “I know... I just... it’s better if you sit, no?”

Bucky quickly walked over to the other side of the small table and sat across Natasha. For some reason, his heart didn’t beat the same for her anymore and it killed him. His eyes went to her stomach and he bit down on his bottom lip.

“What’s wrong?”

As much as Bucky hated to admit it, Natasha knew him like the back of his hand. “Nothing. I’m just shocked that you’re here to see me is all.”

So maybe he told a white lie. It wasn’t entirely false. He was shocked that Natasha was sitting in front of him, but he was also afraid that he didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. Had the alcohol and drugs really altered his thoughts that much? Had he fallen out of love with Natasha way before now?

“Did you not want me to come see you? Because I can go...” She pointed her thumb towards the door.

“No!” Bucky blinked. “No, stay. I just... I don’t know I thought you were mad at me.”

She reached out to grab his hand and rubbed his knuckles with her thumb. “Bucky, I could never be mad at you.”

Bucky sent her a small smile before changing the subject. He asked her about work and she asked him about rehab. Natasha didn’t have vices. Maybe she liked to drink a little bit too much or party a little too often but she knew her limits. She believed she was responsible.

“I just cant wait to get this baby out of me,” she laughed while leaning back against the chair making her stomach look ever larger.

Bucky’s eyes widened slightly at the sight. Natasha noticed and giggled. “Wanna feel her kick?”

“Her? You... you never told me it was a girl.”

“We weren’t talking remember?”

Bucky nodded slowly. She was right. They had gotten into a big fight after he got out of the hospital from his over dose and at first things seemed to have lightened up. But one thing led to another and Natasha cut her ties with him. She had to do it for herself and the baby.

“C’mere.” Natasha waved him over. He pulled up the chair next to her as she sat up straight again. She began to move her hand over her tummy, trying to get a feel of where the baby was. Bucky watched her face as she found the possible spot where the baby could kick.

He felt it as soon as she stopped moving his hand around. It was a tiny little bump against his large hand. Then there was another one a couple of seconds later. If Bucky could save this moment in a bottle he would.

His eyes welled up with tears as he felt another kick. He couldn’t stop them from falling at this point. Natasha brought her hand up to wipe them away, feeling an immense love for Bucky that she never knew she had.

After he removed his hand and wiped at his face with the collar of his white t-shirt, he chuckled. “Oh man, I needed that cry.”

Natasha reached out and grabbed his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. Bucky froze and turned to look at her. He frowned slightly and Natasha knew. Natasha knew that Bucky didn’t love her anymore. She wasn’t sure if he ever did, but she knew in that moment that there was nothing there.

“You find someone who understands you, didn’t you?” Her voice was soft and airy. She sounded so far away to him.

"I don’t know...” Bucky whispered back. All he could see was [Y/N] in his mind. 

“I won’t be mad if you did. I-I get it.” 

Bucky shook his head at himself. “But-but the baby.”

“What about her? This happens to everyone. Sometimes it’s best.” Natasha shrugged.

“I did love you, Nat. But I was a whole different person back then—a bad person. I’ll always love you. You’re giving me the best gift in this world.”

“You weren’t a bad person, Bucky. You just made bad decisions. There’s a difference.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky’s voice cracked. 

Natasha squeezed his hand tightly. “Please don’t apologize.”

They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. Natasha rubbing the back of Bucky’s hand gently until he pulled away. He put back his chair and kneeled next to Natasha, bringing his lips to her clothed stomach and pressing a kiss to it. It took everything in Nat to not break down and cry at the sight. Once Bucky gave Natasha one last hug and a kiss on the forehead, she was left alone and with a heart that had been broken all over again just like before.

Bucky walked back into the center, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. Maria rubbed his back and spoke some words of encouragement before watching Bucky walk towards [Y/N] who was still entranced in her puzzle. Bucky kneeled down next to her, [Y/N]’s eyes tearing away from the pieces she was staring hard at and smiled.

There it was, Bucky thought. There’s the feeling he would get when he’d lay his eyes on Natasha. It was this warm fuzzy feeling inside that almost convinced him that he didn’t need the drugs or the alcohol. But this time, he really believed in this feeling. He didn’t need the drugs or the alcohol to hold the feelings in place. He just needed to see your smile and your eyes light up to feel good. 

[Y/N] made him feel good and Bucky Barnes couldn’t believe it.


	8. eight

##  **—two weeks later—**

“ ** _W_** here’s everyone going?” Bucky asked (Y/N) as people jogged down the hallway.

“They’re taking everyone to go and get ice cream. Once in a while, they’ll take us on a field trip if we collectively behave.”

“Oh,” Bucky hummed with a small nod. “Are you going?”

“No—” she shook her head, “—I’ll be staying behind. You should go.”

Bucky watched as the line for the bus began to move. He then looked over at (Y/N), a frown forming on his face. “No, it’s okay. I’m not in the mood for ice cream.” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

(Y/N) grinned up at him before nodding towards the basketball court. Bucky followed her with a bit of pep in his step. She said hi to another nurse, Phil, before going and grabbing an orange ball from the court.

“Wanna play horse?” She asked, bouncing the ball up and down on the pavement nonchalantly.

Bucky chuckled. “Horse? Really? Are we in elementary school again?”

“C’mon!” She playfully smiled at him, “I’m not playing one on one with you.”

“Why not? Afraid you’ll lose?” Bucky teased with a smirk, his right eyebrow rising just a bit.

She tucked the ball under her arm and walked up to him, just about standing nose to nose. “I’d kick your ass.” 

“Wanna bet?”

“Sorry, buddy. I ain’t got shit to my name.”

“Not money—” he grabbed the basketball from her arms and bounced it. “—You have to give me your dessert tonight if I win.”

“What? No way!” She shook her head. “The dessert is the best part!”

“C’mon,” Bucky sang and (Y/N) tilted her head to the right sighing in defeat.

“Fine!” She exclaimed. “But if I win—,” she pointed at Bucky, “—You gotta tell me who has been your worst co-star to date.”

“Fine,” Bucky answered with a smug shrug. “It’s on. Best 3 out of 5?”

(Y/N) smirked before snatching the ball out of his hands, running down the court with Bucky chasing after her. She tried to shoot from the three-pointer line but Bucky’s arms were longer than hers and he was able to stop the ball from even going over.

The ball was soon in his possession, running it up the court to the other hoop. He began to dribble the ball, eyeing (Y/N) closely. There was a fierce gleam in them. He knew she tough and would probably kick his ass.

The game went on for an hour or so, both of them sweaty and breathing heavily. The ball had roamed off to the fence, Phil walking over to pick it up and take it back to the ball cart.

Bucky wheezed, shielding the sun from his eyes as (Y/N) goofily danced around on the court. She had won the game fair and square and Bucky was impressed.

“You’re fucking amazing,” Bucky called out.

“Thanks,” she smiled down at him as she held out a hand for him to take. Bucky took it and she helped him up to his feet. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

They headed inside, joking and laughing with each other. Bucky really felt good for the first time in a while. He finally felt like himself. And it was hard to admit it, but if it weren’t for the facility and those surrounding him he probably been dead.

“What are you thinking about, Hollywood?”

He blinked, clearing his throat. “Nothing. Just uh, racking my brain for my worst co-star.”

“Oh, yeah!” She pointed at him. “It’s going to have to wait though; I have a session with Dr. Banner in like 5 minutes.”

Bucky tried to make sure his shoulders didn’t slump forward or that a frown didn’t appear on his face. But (Y/N) was quicker than he was, giving his shoulder a soft squeeze. She didn’t say anything to Bucky though. She didn’t need to. 

* * *

The rest of the patients came back from their trip to the ice cream parlor before (Y/N) finished her session with Dr. Banner. Bucky had gone back to his room with a book and read half of it in one sitting. Pietro walking into the room snapped him out of his entranced state.

“How’d it go?” Bucky asked.

Pietro gave the brunet man a weird look. Bucky hadn’t been this nice to him before. “Good…How was it staying here?” Pietro asked, furrowing his brows.

“Fine. I played basketball with (Y/N).”

Pietro raised his brows, the corners of his lips turning. “Oh, did you?”

Bucky dog-eared the page he left off on, setting the book on the mattress. “Yeah. Is that surprising?”

Pietro was going to answer but bit down on his lip instead, shaking his head. “It’s not my place.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Pietro shrugged, slowly backing out of the shared room. He quickly disappeared and Bucky was suddenly alone and confused by Pietro’s comment. It was going to bug him until he saw (Y/N) and even then, he wasn’t going to ask her.

There was a knock on the open door, snapping Bucky out of his thoughts. (Y/N) stood in the doorway, her eyes slightly swollen but a smile still on her face. Therapy was never easy, Bucky knew that, but he hated knowing that whatever she had to talk about with Dr. Banner made her cry.

“Hungry yet? Dinner is being served in 5 minutes.” Her voice was croaky. 

Bucky swallowed, “Y-Yeah. Let’s go.” He walked over to her and debated on wrapping an arm around her shoulders. In the end, he decided not to and instead just sent her a small, assuring smile. She returned it, walking away from him and towards the dining hall where people were already shuffling in. 

“Peter!”

(Y/N) stopped in her tracks, turning on her heel and giving Bucky a confused look. “What? Who?”

“Peter Parker. He’s been my worst costar to date. He was a little asshole.”

A smile as bright as the sun broke onto (Y/N)’s face and a laugh that was music to Bucky’s ears echoed off the walls. “Why him? I like him!”

Bucky caught up to her, his own face mirroring hers. “Trust me, he’s a diva.”


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashbacks in italics!

##  **—three months later—**

**_B_** ucky was still working hard at it. Every day was different. Some days it was harder than the others but nonetheless, he worked his ass off to get better. Whether it be participating more, actually opening up or coming to terms with a past issue, he was doing it.

In the time he was staying at the facility, he said goodbye to a handful of other patients and friends. Bucky was happy for them. They deserved a second chance at life and if getting out of the center was the first step then so be it. 

“I’m going to miss you, Bucky!” Jessica announced.

They had gotten close a month ago during a session, finding similarities between both of their own personal struggles. Bucky never believed someone could relate but she proved him wrong in the end.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Jess.”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname but gave him a hug anyway. Maria and Phil walked her out and [Y/N] came up beside Bucky, hands in her back pockets as she hummed softly.

“One day…” [Y/N] mumbled sadly.

Bucky over at her and furrowed his brows. Even though they had known each other for a while now, Bucky was sure [Y/N] knew more about him than he knew about her. It would have driven him crazy before but he understood that everyone is different and that it takes time for other people to open up.

“Wanna go play checkers?” He offered, catching [Y/N]’s face light up. 

“Sure,” she agreed, “But no cheating this time.”

Bucky scoffed, “I did not cheat!”

She began to walk backward, pointing her index finger at him. “You did!”

Bucky followed her with a chuckle. “When?”

“I had to use the restroom remember? And when I came back, I had one less piece.”

“I did not!”

“Cross your heart and hope to die?” She raised a brow at him and he threw his head back as he rolled his eyes. Bucky crossed his heart and held up his hands.

“No death. Means I didn’t cheat. You’re just a sore loser.”

“Shut up!”

* * *

A couple of weeks later, Bucky received a phone call from Steve. At first, he couldn’t tell if Steve was nervous, but when he finally delivered the news Bucky realized that he was actually excited from the big smile he could hear on the other end of the line.

_Anastasia Romanoff-Barnes._

Bucky couldn’t hold back the tears that escaped his eyes. They were happy tears though. He was a dad. And she was healthy from what Steve told him and that’s all that mattered.

After he hung up with Steve, he went and told everyone the good news. Everyone gave him a congratulatory hug and some even offered to knit something for the baby. Bucky was so over the moon with the news that he couldn’t go to sleep that night. He stayed up and imagined what she looked like, what she smelled like, what she felt like. 

Before he closed his eyes to get at least 10 minutes of sleep in, he hoped that Natasha would come and visit soon.

* * *

Bucky was sure someone out in the universe heard him because a week later, Maria came looking for him. She was smiling from ear to ear. Bucky didn’t need her to say anything else. He got up from his chair and kissed [Y/N]’s cheek quickly before walking off to the visitation room.

As soon as he walked in, he spotted Natasha’s red hair up in a perfect bun with the baby in her arms. Bucky’s heart beat hard in his chest with every step he took. Natasha looked up and smiled at Bucky, her green eyes tired. Bucky was sure it was from the lack of sleep she was currently getting.

“Hi, Bucky.” Her voice was soft and barely above a whisper.

Bucky replied back, his eyes moving towards the baby. Natasha held out her arms and Bucky looked up at her, eyes wide and confused.

“Are you sure?”

“Bucky, she’s your daughter. Of course, I’m sure.” 

Natasha placed the baby in his arms and he slowly made his way over to the chair that sat across from her. She stirred in his arms and whined a bit but he rocked her slowly with a soft coo. As Bucky looked down at her he couldn’t believe he took part in making a little human. She was delicate and tiny, yet so wonderful and completely innocent.

He looked up at Natasha who smiled at him and then back at the baby. Her hair, which wasn’t a lot, was a reddish brown, wanting to take after both mom and dad. She had long eyelashes that cast a soft shadow on her pale cheeks and full pouty lips. She looked like an angel sent from above.

She was everything Bucky wasn’t. And for some reason that scared him.

“Bucky?” Natasha gasped as she saw him starting to shake. She jumped out of the chair and grabbed the baby out of his arms. “Bucky? Bucky are you okay? James!”

* * *

_Bucky was suddenly fifteen again, heading to his first audition in the seat of his mother’s late 80’s Toyota Corolla. It was what got them everywhere even if it was in the shop most of the time._

_“You’re going to do great,” she smiled at him, fixing a piece of stray hair. “I’m going to be right here waiting for you when it’s all done.”_

_“What if… what if they don’t like me?” Bucky asked, looking at the stage door in fear. Tons of boys his age were filing in._

_“They’re going to love you,” his mother admitted truthfully. “James, look at me.” Bucky looked at his mom once again, her blue eyes staring deep into his. “The world is not ready for you. But I promise you, that when they realize that you’re one of a kind they will love you forever.”_

_“Forever?”_

_“Forever.”_

* * *

“I can’t… I can’t breathe…” Bucky clutched at his chest. Natasha called for Maria, whom she got to know a bit more since she had been visiting often.

Maria came and kneeled next to Bucky, grabbing his shaking hands and gently asking him to look at her. Natasha watched with wide eyes and a fast heart. She wasn’t sure what was going on.

“Bucky, listen to what I’m going to say: I need you to breathe in on the count of three. Ready? One… two… three…”

Bucky inhaled sharply. Maria counted to 3 again and he let out a deep breath. They did that for a couple of minutes but it felt like an eternity to Bucky. By the time he finished having his anxiety attack, he was just as tired as if he had just finished running a marathon.

Maria advised Natasha to go home. Bucky wouldn’t be all there from that moment on and with sad eyes and a small see you later, she left. Maria helped Bucky back to his room, letting him know that she was going to find Dr. Banner and see if he had time to talk with Bucky.

Bucky laid down on the twin sized bed. Tears began to fall from his eyes and he couldn’t stop no matter how much he tried. It only seemed like it made him feel worse. The fear in the pit of his stomach seemed to grow bigger and bigger. He was going to throw up. Or maybe not. He just needed to breathe.

He wondered what had happened. He was fine before; he was excited, even, that he would finally get to meet his daughter. But seeing and holding her set something off in him that he wasn’t exactly sure why.

Bucky dug the heel of his palms into his eyes as he blew out a long breath. He sniffled slightly, swallowing hard trying to think of better things. But he couldn’t. There was nothing he could think of.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?” He croaked, removing his hands from his eyes to look at Maria.

She smiled sadly at him, nodding out towards the hall. “Dr. Banner wants to see you.”

Bucky sniffled again, sighing as he got out of bed and dragged his feet over to the doorway. Maria patted his shoulder and walked him to the office. Bucky closed the door behind him and sat down on the long grey couch Dr. Banner had in his office. 

“What’s going on, James? You told me you were excited to meet your daughter.”

Dr. Banner’s voice was always so calm. Bucky wondered how he did it. 

Bucky shook his head with a shrug, slumping down on the couch as he played with his fingers. The clock in the room ticked loudly while Dr. Banner just stared at him for a minute or so before getting up from his chair and grabbing something from one of his many wooden drawers.

He set the item down on his desk before going back to his seat and crossing a leg over the other. It was quiet for a couple of minutes. Dr. Banner never pressured his patients to speak. Sometimes it worked best for them to sit and think. Emotions weren’t easy.

Bucky licked his lips, his mind racing. His hands were sweating. He felt like he was going to throw up and then cry some more. But he had to get his feelings off his chest. 

“I’m scared,” Bucky finally admitted, looking up at Dr. Banner.

“Why?” He asked, scribbling on the notepad in his lap.

“I want to see her take her first steps, hear her say her first words, help her learn how to ride a bicycle, take her to her first day of school, be there for her through her first heartbreak. I want to be the dad I never had.”

Dr. Banner hummed as he wrote down on his notepad quickly. “Do you see yourself in her?” He looked up at Bucky.

A couple of beats passed before he answered. “No.”

“Why not?”

“She’s everything I’m not.” Bucky looked out the window and sighed deeply. “I’ve fucked up too many times.” A sadness washed over him slowly encompassing his every being.

“James, your daughter is a positive outcome. To love her is to love yourself and every single flaw that you have. She is half of you whether you want to believe that or not. You will see her do many of her firsts. I believe in you. Steve believes in you. Natasha believes in you. And I know that if your mother was still alive, she’d believe in you, too.”

Bucky looked back at Dr. Banner, tears blurring his vision. His bottom lip quivered and his hands shook on his lap. 

“You know who else believes in you? Who’s going to see you as a superhero one day when they find out everything you’ve been through and overcome? Your daughter, James. She’s going to love you. Even all the parts you hate about yourself.” Dr. Banner sighed, getting up from the chair and grabbing an empty picture frame. He handed it over to Bucky who furrowed his brows confusingly. “Have Natasha print you a picture. I want you to put it in the frame and in your room.”

Bucky swallowed hard. “Okay…”

“Do it for her, James. Do it for Anastasia.”


	10. INDEFINITE HIATUS

hello, everyone.

i am going to put this series on an indefinite hiatus. i’m finding it really hard to write anything for this and with everything going on in the industry i’m finding myself just very… overcome with emotion and i cannot bring myself to write this specific story. 

if you or anyone you know is having issues with substance abuse please call  

##  **_➝ 1-800-662-HELP (4357)_ **

addiction is a disease. you deserve the help. please do not be afraid to ask for it. 


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